2:29 AM | 03-03-06
When did I turn into a wuss? In High School, i*m not gonna lie or sugar coat it....but....i wasn*t a very nice girl to boys. There were a lot of interests...but very short term. Once I had them in m palm, i would toss them away. I once said yes to a boy who asked me to the movies just to say i went to the movies with him. Meanwhile I had my friend michelle calling me once every 10 minutes on my cellphone just to have an excuse to get up and leave his side and out of the movie. Why???? Because it was the POINT of having him.
Two weeks was my limit. I dumped quite a few guys after that expiration date. Not to mention my evil plotting ways. I would flirt with every boy i could. The guy next to me in Spanish class...or my lunch time talk buddy. Chat um up for a couple weeks during school....and bam...I*d have them calling me at 10:30 everynight before they went to bed. I was their good night goddess!!! Yah i know.....sinical isnt it?
Now.......I am weeping away with a cardboard box, packing up old photos of my previous breakup disaster and listening to the beatles. I have to roll my eyes when writing this because...this is completly true. So i have to ask myself...when did I become a wuss?? When i dumped a guy in 7th grade, beleive me i didnt shed a tear...a slice of pizza and quick 5 minute breakup. It was a ritual that went like clockwork...for many of my teenage years. I would call my best friend at the time and gossip about how i would do the dirty deed of breaking my recent conquests heart and just make the call. Next day, it was headlining news in girl world...and a da later there was always another unsuspecting canidate. I admit now, I was evil. I feel bad...and if i would have known now, then...maybe I would have had a little bit more compassion for these poor unsuspecting boys.
I want to be tough...I want to just shake it off...but there*s a difference. In time...place...and scenery. I was with this person for almost three years....and we lived together...we have a dogs together! PLus, he*s my best friend. I know, change with me has bever been a good issue...but why? Why can't i learn to just let go?
This is my theory.....it*s because I dont have the famous transision boy ready and waiting. When I am in a relationship i tend to put my heart and sole into it. I honestly can say NOW...i dont look a other boys...i rarely flirt...and i dont have that set up for the next. I dont know when this transision between sinister and whimp came into effect...but it did. So now what? What do I do? How will I ever get over another failed relationship? It*s so much work....you have to rebuild everything. Now i understand the people who are angry at men. Because after every breakup it seems, that you die a little more each time. You give up once more...move one more time...and give up...again. It*s hard...it*s very hard. And it*s comming to realization with yourself and the situation. *Sigh* I guess it*s back to working out everyday, shopping on my own...reading...getting ahead...and rebuilding myself. I think with every relationship you leave a little piece of yourself behind...maybe even to that person. And then...when it*s over...you rebuild that part...never the same...but different. You build it with lessons, memories, feelings, and everything else you dont know what to do with concerning that part of your life that is now, over.