Look who*s back
10:24:11 | 2001-02-28
Well hello.....I*m baack.....Ohio was nice...very nice....60 degrees! damn....I got off the plane last night at midnight to below freezing weather. What a change. But enough about that. Seeing Jared was tough....when I first got off the plane I actually questioned if he'd even be there to pick my ass up. Thats kinda sad....he was really bitter...pissed off and just there....I was a total bitch. It was so weird....it was like no hugs, no kisses, no how was your flight...I dunno....its so hard having a relationship with someone so far away and having so many questions. I love the kid to death...but lately its like there's too many questions...before i had no question in my mind we'd be together...we'd be together tomorrow...the next week...and the next year....it's our 7th month aniversary today actually. Now, it's like I have to wonder if we'll be together tomorrow...or in ana hour. Maybe I've lost it...everything i thoguht was special about me is gone...I know I have screwed up alot in the past, and really there are no excuses. I guess that's what bothers me the most. He always talks about how if we break up...he's still comming to my prom...he's still going to be there for my graduation. That hurts. How can I possibly deal with having someone I love so much as more as a friend...just beibg my friend. I guess it really is true...when you begin a relationship..everyhting is bells, and love, and hugs and smiles...now, its like....we know everything about eachother...maybe too much....we know the ins and outs and ups and downs...its all about letting your guard down and letting someone know who you are. And maybe, I'm just not what he wants. And that's okay...in the beginning all I cared about what him being happy...I was happy as long as he was...and it should be like that...but I'm not happy as long as I'm not with him....I need to understand I can and will be. If something happens...and I lose him...i'll be okay...I know I will....there probably will be a few more boyfriends before I really find happiness....then again, maybe there won;t be. My life is entirely way too confusing. He always tells me to find out who I am...and what I want to do...he says to do it alone....without thinking of anyone else. I never had such a problem. I hate doing things alone...I hate being alone. It scares me to death to think of graduating and leaving the home I have always known and come to. It scares me to leave my friends and possibly lose everything I have come accostomed to. I miss my life...and I miss the answers that came so easily to me before. I'm growing up...I know I am...but answers and questions that I'm soon to be facing...and scring me so much that I can barely breath. I guess I just have alot on my mind. I'm in computers class now, I should be finishing up my test, but all I can do now, is type....I*m typing my life away. I think about things constantly....i wonder if I will be happy and sucsessful. I wonder and wish....hope and dream...and then wonder....maybe I'm taking this too hard. I just am afraid of losing things. I'm afraid that if i lose these things I will not be who I always thoguht I was. These things are apart of me, and no one can tell me enough that they will always be "there" for me. I dunno...I have to breath...I have to finish this test.