I bought a house
8:42 PM | 05-05-22
My whole life, or as long as I can remember I have strived to make you proud. Recently, my husband and I fulfilled a life long dream. We bought a house with land and a barn and enough space for almost anything we want. And as I am looking around, realizing that this dream has truly come true, you have never said you were proud or acknowledged our success. This is the nicest home either of us has ever lived in, and we worked so hard to get where we are. We have been at the very bottom of the barrel and it seemed like we were at the top, for a short while. I guess what I am saying is, since you have never solidified any moment to be proud of, I keep trying to get there, to that moment where you say you are proud of me. I don't have parents anymore, and every person in my life I question if they are here for the right reasons. What am I supposed to do now? Do i keep trying or simply give up that you may in fact, never ever be proud. I miss having someone in my corner, I miss having someone to call. Life can be so bitter, and it would be comforting to know you would love me either way. I am not sure what is worse, not having you on earth, or having you on earth and knowing in fact, you don't care about me. And, I have both. In two separate loves. I would give anything to have you again, to just have one conversation, one hour, because i know you would tell me everything I needed to hear. I am trying so hard to do my best, and the moment i feel like i got there, that i finally made it, that feeling goes away...why do i need this stupid approval from someone who doesnt care about me? I miss you dad, i wish you were here....I wish anyone was here. I wish i didnt feel hollow and alone, so much so i can hardly catch my breath. I don't want to face it sometimes, but the bitter truth is, i don't have the family i pretend to have, they are imaginary, with imaginary relationships. Few things are more painful then having what you yearn for from people who don't ever appreciate it.