1:28 PM | 05-03-19
It’s been happening for the past two weeks. Out of no where ill get this lump in my throat, tears weld up in my eyes, and I must use every ounce of energy to fight my tears from rolling down my cheeks. I tried to get into therapy this upcoming Monday, but she is out of town. So, I am going to take the day off, and do whatever I need to. Whatever that is. I quite literally can not believe it has been ten years since my dad died. There is not a day that I don’t miss him and I know in heaven it would please him to know that. Its funny that the older I get, I realize all the miss opportunities I had. With family, friends, people I love, chances I missed. It hurts deeply, and ill spend the rest of my life wishing I had done more and took those chances. You always hear, “if I knew then what I do now….” I cannot begin to tell you how that resonates with me, every single day. I miss my dad terribly and I wish so many times he was hear so that we could speak once again about absolutely nothing or everything. The fact of the matter is, I can only speak to him hoping he can listen, and while I know he can never respond, I have to rely on signs as answers. No one ever tells you how hard it is going to be, and I wish no one ever had to feel that deep loss. The loss of the one half that created you, is now gone from this earth. It’s a pain that I wish upon no one. It’s a lonely place to have felt it, that hole in your heart. At my age there is few, and I cherish in a weird way, the relationships I have with those who know that pain, because, at the very least, I am not alone. I hate that he couldn’t be at my wedding, hate he will never hold his grandchildren, or have breakfast with me over coffee. I miss feeling special in that way where your parent is your biggest fan, they would drop everything to help you, and they’re apart of your team. I am lonely here, my husband is my best friend, but aside from that I don’t have anyone who I grew up with close. It’s incredibly difficult to be surrounded by people but be feel alone. And as I feel older, you lose those teammates, you lose your life cheerleaders that you become so accustomed to in life. Its that feeling of loss, and independency that is so very hard to accept. In a world full of sadness and sometimes disappointment, wouldn’t it be nice if we had those certain people who could live on, forever? Every year, I think, maybe ill make myself forget, maybe ill tell myself to forget the day he died, like it never happened…but does that mean I don’t love him? that I don’t think of him every year? Am I being a bad daughter if I simply don’t grieve every year? I just don’t have an answer or an understanding. Is there a good way to grieve? Probably not, but don’t you wish there was? And you received a gold star if you were doing it well? Silly I know, petty at best. I see things in my husband that often remind me of my dad and I find myself saying that out loud to Brandon. “you’re just like my dad” Brandon never replies, because honestly, I don’t think there is a good response. He accepts it, and we move on. I hope he takes comfort in knowing that when I say that, it makes me feel better knowing there is a piece of my dad that lives on in my every day. I sometimes feel left behind, or I got the short end of the stick. People who are twice my age and still have their parents…even some my age who have their great grandparents! They are so lucky. I always thought I should have been from a big family, but what do I do…this is my life and I don’t have great grandparents, or grandparents now. Like I said before, I wish I knew how limited my time was with them. I wish I would have known to breath in all their time and spend every day as much as I could with them so I could bottle it up, but as I write that I know, being a selfish girl, I would still want more. More time. In the end, I think that’s all we ever ask for, more time.
I miss you Dad, and I will love you forever.
New Years Eve, He used to let me sleep until right before the ball dropped and wake me up so i could say i saw it. He used to make me breakfast every morning, peanut butter (butter underneath)toast with my grandmothers home made strawberry jam and cut it into 6 so i wouldnt choke Made me grilled cheese, again cut into 6, with a pickle spear on the side, always presented on a tv tray Every saturday would take me to the mall so i could get a new toy He would let me set up my small tent in his room and let me sleep there, but first, crawl down and lay with me until i fell asleep Went to all my skating programs and would take pictures Made my Christmas's so special, every birthday, every time we were together Bought me my first and second car. Bought me my first bike, and managed my first kids bike car wash on a hot summer day Made the best cheeseburgers Made everything so funny, and special Called me every birthday at midnight so he was the first to tell me Happy Birthday Went to every softball practice and game Opened his car window, let me crawl on his lap and yell "MOOOOOO" at the cows as we drive by Did the right thing, and cared about those around him so that I too, would do the same. Whistled every song imaginable Played cards for hours at the kitchen table, crazy 8's and go fish Let me pick every car he ever bought while i was alive. Color, make, etc.