Missing you..everyday, forever.
6:14 PM | 05-05-14
I realize I haven't written in a while, I guess life gets in the way sometimes. In any case, what I wanted to say, and what I am keeping deep inside me, is something i fear I will always struggle with. What i am talking about is...the great loss of y parent. My dad. Tomorrow it will be five years since he left this world. Probably not by choice...probably not the way wanted..but in any case..he's not here anymore. The thing that I truly struggle with is the hole I have. The deep aching hole I have in my heart that just will not go away or heal. Its an aching pain that i suspect only those who have lost a parent can truly identify with. I want to explain to someone just how it hurts, just how internal it is..but I know they will not understand, nor try to, because really, when you think about it, its just too sad. The loss of a parent is something that is so hard to describe because each instance is entirely different. Each relationship you have with each parent is completely different, sacred, but different. That relationship you build with that parent begins from the moment you are created, and thats something no one can duplicate. Some are meaningless...some are so powerful it can quite honestly end a persons ability to love. Its just, so hard..its hard to out in to words, which is why I keep this all inside me. I know the relationship I had with my father...i know it wasnt perfect...but I do know it was sincere and incredibly special. The memories I have of him quite honestly take my breath away...I gasp...take a deep breath, and hold in any tears that weld up in my eyes. Because...I know, I will never have that again. Thats the thing about those two relationships everyone has with their parents. Whether its a small instance...or a more significant time you had them in your life...it yours...its your relationship you build in the time you have; and once its gone, there is no more...the opportunity is gone. All i can do now is remember..hold on to the memory...take a deep breath and mend the hole I have deep inside that few understand. I guess I never had anything this sad to keep inside...once day everyone will...and I think the reason we keep it inside is because its just too heartbreaking to talk about. So, we go to this place within ourselves where we can think, process...and rebuild, though I know the hole I have will never be filled, replaced, or forgotten, and perhaps that in itself is whats the saddest thing of all. Knowing, for sure...this pain will never, ever go away.