11:05 p.m. | 2002-01-15
At college...it's hard find someone to trust. In any matter it is hard to find someone to talk to. Right now I am terribly restless. I am constantly wondering what the hell I am doing with my life. Life is a gift....and right now life feels like the gift you get for your eighth birthday from your grandma in Texas. The one you never see again till six years later at the bottom of your closet. It seems like everyone is doing something. At to me...I*m not. I want to be great. I want to be spectacular. I want me to look at me and want to be me. I want them to want my life. Iwant to enspire them to have a better life of their own. I want to travel to Australia like my older brother. I want to be on the Real World, I want to meet new people, see new faces, and make more mistakes; more that I can learn from and make myself a better person. My relationship with my boyfriend Jason is wonderful and while Ihave had some great and some not so great relationships I feel this is the closest I have ever been to someone. But something is still keeping me back. Graduating from college, marrying Jason, working and raising a family would be my future...well it will be. Iwill never want, Iknow I could be happy, but Idont know how to explain to jason Iwant more. Ineed more. There is somuch more to me that Icant learn from here, Icant learn from Jason. Ineed to cry more tears and laugh at more of lifes special things. Iwant to appreciate more things. Jaosndoesnt understand, and neither do my parents. Iwish I had the parents that told me to follow my dreams. I wish Jason could just see. I told him once about studying abroad in Austrailia and he said no. That was it. He never asked why, or if it was something i had my heart set on. Just no. His parents and the people around me are the same. I cannot help myself but feel isolated in a wold with one state of mind. Things I dream of are silly to others. My expectations to others are just silly and totally unreasonable. Jason htinks Iamselfish for thinking of such things. I want to be loved but I want him to let me go. The main point is, I am not afraid to say goodbye to everything I have known, I am not afraid of the whispers and remarks by others for following my dreams, not afraid of what people will think, but I am terribly afraid of losing those who I love. I know if I leave and go against Jason he will leave me. Girls are dying to be with him...I can see it in their eyes and their actions. I know I am lucky. I know Ilove Jason, but to know if he loves me enough to let me go, and still want me back afterwards is frightening. Its so complex it is harder to put it all into words. How would Iever know if things between us would be the same after I leave to find myself and follow my dreams. There are no answers, and none would be revealed till the time had come. It puts a feeling in my heart Icannot explain, I can only feel it. Its a question, a question I can never find out or rely on the answer till the day comes. Idont know if Ican take sucha risk. Life is hard.....