Happily N'ever After
11:58 AM | 01-20-07
"I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you - kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight."
Today, I am going to The American Museum of Natural History in NYC. I cannot wait. More importantly, I think it will be good to get the hell out of the house. I feel trapped and annoyed. The reason for so many entries lately has been because I have had so many emotions running through me. I get liek this sometimes when "change" is about to occur in my life. I couldnt figure out what it was until last night. I am letting go. Have you ever hung on to something so long becuase it felt safe? Or because it just always has been there and youw ere scared to hell to let it go? You knwo where this is going if you know me at all. I*ve come to a point in my life where I have decided to move forward. I want my masters degree and I plan on getting that in New York. I also plan to live well. I plan to make my own money, buy expensive things, and be happy. And, I plan on doing these things on my own. I have tried SO HARD...and SO LONG...to make something work but I just can*t...I can*t anymore. I have been in a semi-relationship for over three years. I have seen things I never thought I would, and done things I have regretfully done. When is it enough? Do you just try and try and give up your life to make something work? Or do you give up? I hate GIVING UP...but I*m looking at it differently. Letting go. Because when you are in a relationship there has to be two people. There has to be two people working on it. And for so long, it*s just been me. I*ve done it, alone...and my friends and family have seen me at my worst and bitter end and THEY know me, and THEY know there*s more out there for me. I can say that freely and honestly because I know this has been a plague. It*s what everyone knows, but no one will say. I thank my friends for being there for me, hearing me cry and complain. Because without them I don*t know how I would get through so many painful moments. I can be alone, and I can do things on my own, I KNOW this because for the past three years I have been even though I was in a relationship. What is the point though? The reaon we are in a relaionship is because we dont want to be alone, we want to be with that person...and I havnt been. So for now, I am letting go of this. This self that I have been is not me. I am bitter, and unhappy and I honestly dont wat to be that person anymore. So, another relationship, for me, is over. So over that I too, need another name for over. I dont know what it is...yet, and maybe there is no better way to say it. But there comes a time in a persons life where you just have to let go.