out of order.
10:34 PM | 11-30-04
Have you ever put in so much effort into something that it was exhausting? I mean like litterally, physically, and emotionally? Have you ever put in as much as you could into something or someone and their condition because you loved them? Have you ever done all this....only to be treated cruelly....criticized.....and shattered?? Oh...and have it done by a grown up...who is a member of you family?? I*m sure I lost some of you a few questions back...but for those who are relating to this...I sympathize. It*s happened to me.
Monday night...after working all day and missing my chance to pick up Brandon from the airport because I had to work...i came home to a message on my cell from my dad*s doctor about making an appontment with his doctor. So, I called my Aunt whom I have been communicating with for over a month about my dad*s decreasing health.
After my dad*s first surgery my aunt and uncle conviently moved to Florida to live in their summer house...while I was left to handle my dad. My dad is a great man...and can usually handle himself...but being 63, and a tumor resting on his optic nerve that is as hard to get rid of as a common cold...health is decreasing...he needed some assistance with the second surgery and going to doctors appointments. So....for th last couple months...I have been working like a mad woman, doing school sh*t, driving back and forth 97 miles every couple of days to take my dad to these appointments....treated badly....and taking care of my mom who was also in the hospital with kidney stones.... and oh..having my own personal life? I have basically ran myself ragged. I*ve had alot on my plate. AHHH....So Monday...I come home to talk to my aunt...whom i have been calling all week but couldnt get a hold of...weird yes...so i finally decided to call our cottage. Someone picked up...and it was her. Apparently she and my uncle had flown back here in Sunday to see about my dad. I was never informed. Okay....i could tell something was weird. She was short...I was asking alot of questions. Me: Have you seen dad? I met with the social worker...I have papers for you...we can look at them together....her: we have it under control...we will do everything. Me: oh..okay. Her: I am just fed up and VERY disappointed in you Amy.
My reaction within 10 seconds with hysterics. Crying uncontrollably while i mamaged to ask..."Are you kidding me???" She wasn*t...she began yelling at me telling me what a horrible daughter I was to my dad....she went on to tell me how i was disrespectful, and blah blah blah....i felt my world shattering..and everyting i had put so much time in and did the very best i could was gone. When a person in your life needs help...you do everything you can to help them...ESPECHIALLY when its life threatening...and even more so when its your father. It*s worse when an adult from the outside is telling you, you are a bad person...and disappointing. I called my dad afterwards to try and find out why i was so wrong...he refused to talk to me. I never felt so lost and confused in my life.
All my life I have respected adults...i have came to the conclusion that they know more...they have been through more scenerios, more tragic tims, seen more wars, happenings, monuments, and every problems and question you could ever come up with. I respect that....and i turn to adults for help and for direction. This is not the case....I called my mom after words crying and hurt...and as i thought...i was right....an the adult here..was indeed wrong. It*s instinct. When you know in your heart you have done something wrong....you know it instantly....and that goes for when you have done something right. My Aunt is very wrong....and what she did....was very hurtful to me, and has totally changed alot of my perspectives. Adults can and are wrong sometimes. They can make mistakes...and sometimes, yes....they can make the wrong assumption about someone and make horrible acusastions. I don*t know if i will ever be ablt to forgive my Aunt....i know while none of you will be able to undertsand this...but there is alot more to this story. My dad*s condition is decreasing...rapidly...and i needed support...I*ve gotten it from my mom...and my moms side of the family...and none from my dad*s. My friends have been there for me every step of the way and i couldnt appreciate them more. But, sady, there are people i am letting go. I*m tired. To be honest...there is only so much a person can do before they are broken down. And I, am broken down. Out of order.