3:50 PM | 09-14-07
Last night I couldnt sleep. I kept thinking abou tuseless things and items in my life. As most of you know I tend to never throw anything away, no matter how small or insignificant. Hell, I still have my bloody wisdom teeth that were ripped from my mouth three summers ago. It*s just something about me, I keep these keepsakes because no matter how much time has passed I always can think back to that memory and cherish it. Smells, old dried out flowers, pictures, ect...I still remember the smell of my first dorm room, the summer of 2001, the first day I moved to New York, the day I got my first pair of Cavaricci jeans. Lame, nonsense maybe...but they are mine...my memories. Anyway, every since I moved to New York I wake up at night once in a while wondering where certain things are, because I am afraid I have left them behind somewhere, or I have lost them. I call my mom to ask her if she had seen it or whatever it is and for a short time I am in a panic till I locate whatever it is I am freakig out about. weird. I know. I knwo it means something...I know it ALL means something. I have come to this conclusion...I have a lot of "holes" in my life and I have these things to fill them in because nothing else can. Last night I needed to talk to someone and there wasn*t anyone to talk to. I guess there*s a point in everyone*s life when you realize just how alone you are. I am alone, not in a scary sense, not in a panic, but I am alone. I am doing everything alone and by my own rules. Luckily I have made all the right decisions in my life that have lead me to this point where I don*t have to answer to anyone but myself. I am completly unheld down. If that makes any sense.
However, even thought nothing is holding me, I am still holding on to things. Many things, things that I am afraid, have let me go a long time ago. I am expecting so mch and receiving nothing. This is all leading up to what I wished it would never go. I wish I could find someone that could really get me. That would be willig to take the time to really listen and understand where I am comming from. I just have met some amazing people who I cherish their friendships but it only goes so far. I know you may have no idea what I am talking about, but it*s about the relationships I develop with people, and later, they always leave...or never want to fight for what is right. In my life, if I ever wanted something, I found a way to get it. Always. Wether it was a guy, a new short, a prom dress, a job, a location, ect....i did whatever I needed to do to get there. I just wish I could find someone who had the same desire I did.