Too Much Too Little
9:44 PM | 04-20-06
Yesterday my mom called me to inform me that my ex boyfriend Jason had gotten engaged. It was splattered in our local newspaper from home. Actually, I don't even know why it is referred to as a newspaper because there is rarely news...it*s mostly just stories to talk about with the locals. Anyway, as she told me...for some reason...I asked Jason who? I knew what jason she was talking about....and i don;t really know why I asked. I just blurted it out. Then she said...You know who.
So....the unthinkable happened. When jason and I broke up and never thought it would happen...I never though Jason would actually marry the girl he cheated on me with. My mom kept telling me "what goes around comes around" it was basically the only thing that got me to sleep more than 4 more hours those days. Gawd, did I cry over that boy....just heartache. Deffinetly one for the books. I have to say though...did he ever get his>?? Did he ever realize it was a mistake...?? I thought about it alot yesterday....In a way its a blessing...I mean, it*s a way for me to really knwo he wasnt "the one" I mean people can date other people and break up and always wonder....what ever happened to them after they broke up? Are they happy? Did they marry? Blah blah blah. Well...I know. He*s married and happy and blah blah blah.
But then I have to wonder. Why wasn't it me? Was i too wild? Did I have too many dreams? Too many places to see? Too outgoing? Did I talk too much? Did I not go to the right school? What was it...what was it that made him realize I wasn't the one? and she...was??
I guess this sort of thing is bound to happen. A lot of my friends are getting married..many...having kids, buying houses, blah blah...I'm just so far from all that. I want to travel...I want to live in europe...I was to write a book, be published...be somebody...be envied...do so much i dont have enough time! Which leads me back to my question....why wasnt it me? How could I be that one he wanted for so long and then just PooF...It's not like I care about him anymore that way...because i dont. I have had other relationships after him..some good and some bad...but having him marry the girl who he so bluntly chose ont hat 4th of july 4 years ago is what makes it tough to understand. *sigh* So what do I do? Do I write a letter of congrats....do I try and see him one last time...(because i havnt since we broke up)...do I re-create the whole Julia Roberts "My Best Friends Wedding" and beg for him to marry me instead? It's hard...I remember a letter I wrote when we broke up to Jason...it was a letter to him about breaking up and so on. I was waiting to give it to him just in case we every got back together..it still sealed. Im thinking about opening it. Maybe its a good idea...maybe not. i*m leaning towards NOT....because it might trigger emotions that are false and intrue.
I have to keep reminding myself that this thing happens. This happens to 90% of the world. No one marries their high school sweetheart anymore, do they? I guess not...I just sometimes like to beleive that I*m special..im that person who is going to make it..who is going to have all her dreams come true. But I have to realize that Jason wasnt a dream. I dont want to get married....its the image...it the memory. it the fact that it wasnt me....I have more to do...more to see...and a lot more people to meet and to come into my life. Hancock Michigan is FAR too small for me....and Jason is not enough for me. I need more....