I need a map.
9:22 PM | 07-21-05
Do you every realize that no one ever writes inless they are incredibly happy, or incredibly sad.
It*s how it is with my anyways. I*ve seen it in other diaries as well. Brandon and I are continuing to live together....why I*ll never know. It*s so weird being here. I hate it. I hate being here. My friends have all gone, and I*ve lost touch. I*ve lost touch so far, that I don*t think i can ever make it back to where I was. My years here at NMU are decreasing my day, and I can*t manage to work my life out. I*m tired of being alone, alone when I am surrounded by people. I*m tired of taking care of people when no one takes care of me. I*m tired of being responsible, and never getting any recognition. Where am I going? Brandon tells me I could never live in New York. He tells me almost everyday. Why doesn*t anyone think I can do it? I want to leave...I want to start new. I feel that right now I have exsausted the market. My market...in people. I don*t want to put up with them and they don*t want to put up with me. Today Kim (my boss) told me that she has gotten complaints from customers telling her that I am always angry. She told my and as she was talking her voice became muffled....and i almost bit a hole through my lip trying to block the tears. and then...without notice...a tear rolled down my cheek. I hated myself for showing any emotion that I actually care what a few rude customers thought of me or how I performed at a useless coffee shop job. Stupid coffee snobs...i dont get paid enough to be suzy sunshine every fuhking day. I hate people. I*m negative I know, about everyting. Maybe that*s why I dont have any friends. Maybe my friends have all left because they were negative too. I saw it on alot of them...and they broke down a lot liek I am now. Which leads me to believe...this place is bad for me and I am bad for it. I*m trying to remember back to when I felt happy. Truly happy. It*s too far away to remember or have any recognition when it might have been. I am not missed by any....or thought about. That kills me because everyday I am thinking about someone or things that pertained to a friendship of some sort. Maybe I have to stop giving to recieve. I*m quitting at the end of August. I can*t work, go to school with 20 credits, and be a consultant for the Body Shop all at once. i*ll go mad I swear. I feel like I have already gone mad...Brandon sleeps in the guest bedroom now...however he wanders to my room every chance he gets. He never says what I want him to say though. I don*t sleeo anymore without him. Tossing, turning, thinking, my mind wanders at night. I am filled with anxiety. Why? Only god nows because I have nothing to look forward to. You would think I was suicidal....and even if I did kill myself...everyone would say the same thing. She was unhappy, angry, had a lot of problems. Weird...because a few years ago, you would never be able to trace those words in a description of me from someone else. I*m not suicidal...don*t freak out. I am just lost...and terribly confused why I am here in my life right now. I wish we has maps...maos of where we needed to be..or where we should go. What was right, and what was a waste of time. Lottery winners would be more frequent I*m sure. I guess with no maps, or direction is why life can be tough sometimes...why we feel lost...and maybe thats why i am how i am...now. I just wish I knew..something...anything. I know this can*t be right what I am doing right now. That*s where I*m at...right now.