1:58 AM | 08-26-04
I havn*t written in a while because sometimes, in life, there is far too much to write about and not enough words to describe or explain.
Vegas-Awesome, very glad i went missed brandon terribly
Bently-Is our new puppy who we love dearly
Dad-Recently found a tumor behind an optic nerve surgery....this morning
Today was so difficult, i am so emotionly drained, and so tired of so many people. I*ve been asking myself ALOT about other people*s choices and their morals. I don*t know if i a certain chip in my head or what, maybe I should alert the media...because there are things that people do, and really, not just people...my friends...things they do that seriously are wrong...hurtful....and very disrespectful. Being in an relationship is hard...its harder when you*re young, and its even more difficult when here are so many things wrong in it. I am worrying about my dad....he is in intencive care, and while the surgery went well, the doctor was not able to remove the entire tumor....and gave my dad 5 years to have sight. Losing your vision>? How can a person even imagine life without such a valuable apendige. I waited in the waiting room for hours today while Brandon was at home. I watched families after families come in and out of the Intencive care unit. Seeing their loved one drift in and out conciousnous. You could see weepy eyes and saddened looks. It*s depressing. You over hear stories....you think about how you would react in that position....you feel worse. There was a woman...30*s i think whoose fiance' was rushed in this morning who actually was operated in place of my dad....he had been in a car accident. It was devistating to see her...her family, his...gathering...and not giving a second thought about going anywhere else. They were staying the night...the week if they had to. blnakets were in the couches...coffee cups, cans, chips, the various concession items. All you can think about is how sorry you are, and even though you dont know them, you still pray and hope it will all be okay.
Seeing my dad, i had to fight the tears, i instantly thought about Brandon, and thought about what if something like that would have happened. What if something took him away like that....car accident.....sickness...whatever. I don*t know what i would do. And what if something else took him away...like unfaithfulness. It*s so hard..to think of it.... 9:39 AM I couldnt finish before because Brandon came home. he hates it when i type. He*s sleeping now. Anyway, after the hospital i came home, i remember thinking in the car how much i wanted to tell brandon what happened, and how much i care about him. Tell him the story about if anything ever happened to you....and so on. But, he wasn*t there. When you find a note on a papertowel saying he*s with two other girls...blah blah blah...and it ends with "don*t be mad" it*s usually kindeling to the fire....and then again, he wrote it on papertowel...so there*s even more kindeling. I was so broken down....and quiet...i waited for an hour and finally he came home. We fought the whole night...and he just couldnt understand why there was a problem or why i was upset. Am i overreacting? I ask myself that ever other minute of the day. When it was all over....he went his way...i stayed at home...with the dogs...and finally dragged myself to Erika*s for a late night talk on the porch. (We have alot of these)....We talked till 1AM...about everything...I missed those ind of talks..alot. I walited at home...2.....3.....3:30....icouldnt sleep...not at all....and every possible scenerio is runing through your mind when you*re waiting for someone...it* worse when its your boyfriend....it terrible when you are mad at them....he finally came at 3:30....came into bed,...which i immediatly got out of. I watched whatever was on....SWIMFAN was the only movie worth watching...if you know the movie....then you*ll understand right away. Something didnt feel right....4:30 i woke up...i had fallen asleep so i went back to bed. ***** I had a dream last night that couldnt have shocked me more. It was one of thoses dreams you wish you never had...and rarely do. The dreams where they are so lifelike, beleivable....and sadly what you never want to happen. I woke up on the verge of tears, got out of bed (this is at 9) and took a shower. Brandon is still, sleeping. It*s almost ten. I dreamt about Brandon....i dreamt we were at my house in hancock. He was taking alot of pictures of me with a disposable camera....it was snowing,and we were in the kitchen when he aid he cheated on me.....he told me details....he said who she was.....he left nothing out, and made it all sound so funny....he laughed.....i wnt crazy...i remember in the dream i was beating on him....screaming how mad i was at him and how he as ruined everything we had worked so hard for. Hitting...dropping him to his knees...slapping...over and over again....till...i woke up. Almost crying....i got outta bed,...went to the couch and cried....horrified of the dream....releived it didnt happen..or did it? Is this a sign? This has already beginning to be a weird day....and it*s not even 10AM yet. I feel so weird...so drained...i keep worrying aout my dad, brandon my friends....and there are just too many questions.....that no one seems to be giving me the answer to....atleast, not the ones i want to hear, and thats proably my problem right there. Anyway, it 10AM..and im alone....and right now i have so much building inside....im about ready to burst...maybe i will