12:13 AM | 02-04-04
My cheeks are stained with tears...I*ve been cryong for liek an hour and I*m bout ready to have a stroke. I feel like the world is crumbing on top of me, maybe it*s the people who live above me who wont stop pounding on the ceiling....could be, more cracks in the ceiling everyday. This just sucks so bad....I have to give blood tomorrow for the first time in my life...YES I KNOW...what the hell? I*m 21...never ever. Scared to FUHK of needles....plus i have to be humiliated....standing neked while my 40+ year old surgeon dras lines on my body and takes pictures of me with a poloroid camera. Yippee....I feel so cheap...and so alone. Then after I talk to him, I have to see about this tube shit...why in hell I might need a cathader, and all this breathing tube crap...what the fuhk...simple proceedure my ass. I am so scared...so fuhking scared. Plus everything else that is bloody goin on right now, some people that I have in my life really, really suck, and some....are the best people in the world out there...but i have met mroe bad people than good, or atleast that*s what it seems like sometimes. It*s like you give so much to people expecting that when you need something, they will be there for you....not the case....not the case at all. Lose lose situation...i dont know how i am going to do this....i dont know...i need someone or something so bad...i just want people off my back and the ones who really do care to be there, liek i have tried to be there for them. We arent perfect...I*m not...but i just feel so useless....there*s a small part of me who has a bit of relief, weeding the bad ones who are in my life are soon to be removed....I can*t take it anymore....i can*t take the lying, the mistreated friendships, and the things i cherish in people, that aren*t realy what they seem. People are and can be incredibly evil and brutal, and I can*t set myself up for that anymore...it just isnt worth it. Not anymore....
Tomorrow is scary...and i need more than ever someone to be there..and I am lucky...to have the people in my life now who are willing to skip clas and be there :) Tahnx....I know, i*m a pain in the ass! Lots of luv to those who luv me for who i am. XOXOXOXO
Pray for me....tomorrow 9:15....AHHHH