when you say the "L" word
11:24 PM | 02-04-04
I*m not a fan of the yucky love stuff...I barely say the word...I don*t say it because I dont beleive it exsists where you have to say it. You should know when you love a person, and if you have to tell them, then maybe you don*t really love them. Telling them, and reminding them is two totally different things. Saying you love someone can change things...wether its to a friend, a family member, or someone you really care about...sometimes i get this feeling inside of me about people that makes me wanna tell them so bad how much i care about them, but don*t because I am so unsure about the consequences. I just hate it, when you care about someone and have these short or long term plans that you almost depend on, and then they all fall apart...there just isnt any security, so why throw love into it?
I was let down brutaly today. I woke up in the wee hours of the night, tossing and turning about today...giving blood...damn. If you*ve never done it before its kinda a scary thing. Brandon was supposed to be here at 8:45.....I waited around till 9:10...my appoint was at 9:15....Sam has already called to make sure I had someone to go with me, so I told her to go along and go to class...I could have called erika, or chi, but I didnt want to bother anyone that early. So....as cheezy as this was....i loked up, and said guess I*m gonna have to do this on my own...god...i need just a lil help here. I cried outside the waiting room for about 5 minutes...walked in to see a sea of people....holding back bitter tears is the hardest thing you can do...espchially with an audience. It seemed like it took 5 hours for them to call my name, i kept wiping my tears with my mitten, and when a woman asked if i was alright, i told her my eyes were just watering because it was so cold outside. They called my name and i met with the surgeon..."So, do you have any questions" He asks...HA!! Where do I begin!...I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks as I asked about internal bleeding, cathaders, tubes, and everything i could think of. He was great...it was funny....when he told me to take of my robe so he could examine me...i sit there...with my arms crossing my chest so you couldnt see anything...haha...now that i think of it, he must think I am sucha frootloop....he finally said "Uhhh you*re gonna have to move your arms dear so I can measure." I*m sorry strangers are strangers, i dont care is he is a doctor! I don*t show my boobs to just ANYONE! haha...so 2 weeks from tomorrow is my surgery....so nervous....I know I will be okay...it*s just hard...this week has been quite the learning experience....I know now, NEVER to depend on anyone else but yourself...when it REALLY matters....trusting yourself and your own instinct is what will get you through...even though sometimes it may seem a lil lonely. Brandon never showed up all day...never called...but left me a message on AIM saying his friend has a stroke and a 5% chance of living....I feel terrible....but, while my case is petty comapred to that, a phone call would have been nice....oh well right....some things and people are worth it, accepting it is the bitch. I can*t be everything to everyone...and sometimes you just gtta be okay with that. Sam came over after class...and showed me her present to me...a cute soft lil moose stuffed animal...SO CUTE....named lumpy...with a little bandaid on his arm....I coulda cried right there and then, but I cried SOOOO much in the past day I am completly out of tears....I cried so hard last night, my eyes were just deep sockets in my face, and this morning, i cried enough to last me a few weeks. So....i*s over...and I*m gonna be just fine.