somethin' i gotta do
11:15 PM | 01-04-04
Tomorrow I have a pretty important phone call and maybe meeting. They are what is going to determine my future life at NMU. If there even is any worth staying for. Things are SOOOOOO incredibly messed up right now...I know, I*ve said that like 500 times. It just is. Meanwhile, i am trying to stay sane and continue to help others and sort through my own bullsh*t. Today I was reading other member diaries, and came across a rather disturbing one, about a girl who is going to kill herself on valentines day. It cares me. It makes me wonder, why in hell must things get so bad for that to come across someones mind? Don*t get me wrong, i*ve thought about it MANY times....last week even. But, I thought about how....slit my wrists and lay in water....i thought...that would sting all to hell!!! HELL NO...next option....gun?? shoot myself...okay, I would look like total shit when someone found me, my landlords would prolly send my parents a bill for the damages and blood spatter, and the whole thing is just to gruesome, and knowing my retarded ass, I would prolly miss my head and shoot one of the dogs, soo...moving on...tylenol...I*ll OD on pills!!!....I went to see....oh christ....4 fuhking tylenol in the whole bloody house. See....I think about killing myself all the time...but i know i could never do it. It isnt worth it, and nothing can ever be THAT bad, because nothings stays the same forever. Thinking about it and doing it are two seperate thiings. So what did I do today....after reading her diary I emailed her, a total stranger, asking her not to kill herself. It may sound pathetic, but i do care about people...i care about strangers, becuase one day, I may need saving, and when a person needs saving, you dont care who the hell they are, stranger or not, as long as you*re saved.
Tomorrow, I am nervous, I am anxious, and nervous...scared...nervous, i feel like i could burst into tears, thats how scared i am. It*s something i must get through, i need this, i need this kick....well thats all...for now...as for yesterday...I*m calmer...the situation bites, and i think about it often, and trying now, not to. bye bye
Don't know why I'm still afraid.
If you weren't real I would make you up now.
I wish that I could follow through.
I know that your love is true and deep as the sea.
But right now, everything you want is wrong.
And right now, all you dreams are waking up.
And right now, I wish I could follow you
To the shores of freedom
Where no one lives.
Remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet in love's game
You would call, I'd call you back
And then I'd leave a message on your answering machine