9:13 PM | 12-29-03
It hasn*t snowed here lately, but tonight it began. Soft light snowflakes....I went for a drive..roads were slipery, but what caught my eye, was how the roads shimmered. With the light snowflakes catching the light from the streetlights. It sparkled.
I think everyone goes through a few trainwrecks in their life. Wether it*s luv, family, friends, school, or any of the other things that seem to come into our lives and crumble our perfect lil life. The miracle is not that we get through it, it how we handle it, and what we take from it, it*s what makes us who we are. I have gone through my share of trainwrecks in every category. I keep telling myself, what does not kill me, makes me stronger. I am hoping by 2030 i will be the HULK. *smilez* I*m not ashamed of who I am, I am sometimes ashamed of my actions but I know that these are things that I learn from, even though sometimes the outcome can be quite brutal.
My thoughts are muddled. They always are. This is why I write here, to unclog my drain. Or help. It*s like the drain cleaner, it clears the clog till the next time you use the sink, and then it begins to build again. Once in my life I would like to be suprised. I mean really suprised. Not like like the many Christmas*s i can remember, where you beg your parents for something for months and they swear "you arent gettting it" and then you see the package that resembles what you ask for but you*re not TOTALLY sure that it is what you asked for till you open it. It is what you wanted, there was doubt, but in the end its what you asked for and you got it.
i*m talking about truly suprised. The suprise that comes to you on some idle Tuesday....it blinds you. I have yet to be suprised. I live on chances, chances something might happpen.
It sucks when you like someone and care about them, and you know in your heart they will never care about you as much as you care for them. It*s about regret, regret you even found them, and, it rejection. Life is full of disappointments I guess. What hurts the most is, he asked everyone and anyone if someone could pick him up at the airport, cept, he didnt ask me. And, it*s because i*m not the first face he wants to see when he returns here, he would rather see anyone else but me. It*s complicated, and cruel, but, its the truth. We can*t "be" everything to everyone. I wish I was, but, I suppose that would cause more problems than I could ever be able to prepare myself for. I am waiting. Till I meet the one who i am everything to them. Hopefully they*re out there.
Sex&TheCity tonight was great, I laughed alot....Charolette talked about something that again, made me think. ONlY two greta luvs in your life. I pray that isnt true, I*ve had MANY luvs...many, and I am lucky, but only one I can count as a great luv. And it ended...my own luv trainwreck. And, now, I am over it, and I did get through it, but there is not a day that goes by that i dont think about it. I*m 21...I have alot of time to kill....and maybe time that wont be taken up by luv. How do I get through all those days without it. We all need luv, we all need that certain luv that we look forward t, that gets us up in the mornings. I think this is why I personally settle for fake luv so often. I need luv to get me through. Foolish. I know there are so many other things out there to get me through. Taking chances. Living dangersly. however me living dangeressly means waiting a day to do the dishes, reading the last page first in a book, not paying the parking meter. I have so much more to learn, and so many more years. Yet, sometimes I feel so old, and that I dont have enough time to do everything i want to do before its all over. We only get one life, and how many years to make it worth while and special, our own personal time line to make it special and unique. And why, do so many eople seem to have it now, and I don*t???
My head feels like oatmeal right now, which means it*s time to stop writing.