7:31 PM | 12-19-03
Yesterday I got up, as usual to get up and get ready to go tanning with BAD. I waited....and waited. It was getting to be 5 minutes till our appointment. I decided to leave, without him. I walked out my door and litterally felt like my boots weighed 500 lbs. It was so weird, the sun was shining, everything was fine, but still I was sooo liek disappointed. I got in my car, pulled out of our driveway, and there he was, cruisin towards my house, and that*s how it started, my boots were lifted, and I didnt feel the weight anymore. We hung out all day, till we had to say goodbye for break. It was kinda sad, sayin our goodbyes, it always is. The situation we are in, it*s hard not to play different roles. I*m not the girlfriend, I*m not the sister, I*m not his mum, I*m just his friend. Yet, when I think about it, I play all these roles. ConFuSinG as hell. He told me he would call me when he landed, thinking about previous times he said he*s call and didn*t, I really didnt expect him to. Suprise. He did. As soon as he landed. Could not beleive it. He called again this morning, as he was waiting in the airport to leave for detroit. called again when he landed. I gotta tell ya, he suprised me. The he said something that kinda confused me. I asked if he was going to see lindsey (his girlfriend in Chicago) and he said..."no...why?" Then i said, "Well if I had a chance to see my boyfriend I totally would" he answered "Well I*m not there, so you can*t" I said shuddup...and laughed. As always...between him and I, we are like a show...a freakin circus. We make eachother laugh, fight all the time, and beat eachother up. We both have cuts and bruises all over us. We beat eachother up physically and emotionally. I get so confused, wondering what I am doing, and what I want. I don*t think anyone ever really knows what the hell they want, they just chose where to head to. A plan of some sort. BAD and I are just friends, no one disputes this, I just keep thinking, what if....what if thats not what we want? How does someone have a long distance relationship with someone, someone they love, and then have a friend like me, and not develop something. If you*re an outsider, reading this you will have no idea what I am talking about, but it makes sence to me, and to my friends I*m sure. Weird. I catch him, saying things I would say, I catch him looking at me, smiling. Sometimes he*ll grab me for no reason at all, infront of anyone, and kiss my head. I catch myself laughing like him, being retarded, and grabbing his hand when we are driving. Is it possible to care about two people at once, and not be cheating on them?? Or is it called cheating, becuase you are cheating them on their feelings they deserve. And, is it cheating if the other person is cheating on them as well? It would be easier just to not think about it, easier not to ask questions, but i feel that I should know. I should know what I am into. Before, i get too deep.