horrible, bad, messed up day
11:47 PM | 11-24-03
It didn*t start out bad....not at all. I went to all my classes. paid close attention, did well on a quiz, and really was enjoying the day. Things at home with my lovely roomate have reached an all time low and really it*s nothing new to me. When somethign bothers me, I tend to either get really pissed and bitch all to hell, or I ognore the problem and the person causing it, and even worse, I sometimes tend to do both, cept I bitch to other people about the problem. I got a letter today that said alot, mostly tried to tear me apart, and for most people I guess it would have, but it didn*t....everything in the letter did not to anything, exceot for one part. One sentence managed to make my heart drop....The part when she stated "The main things that upset me are that you do not care about what happens to anyone else but yourself"
I guess a person can take that in alot of ways, they can shrug it off, they can realize their weaknesses, they can feel confident that, the person who stated it is wrong, or, they can wonder...wonder if it*s true, wonder if theres truth in the statement, and be torn. Harsh words in any case. Writing a letter to your roomate says to me two things....1. You are a coward...why? Because if you have enough balls to start tallying up the faults in someones life, you better be damn well be able to stand up for them in person to that peron*s face, not writing them in a letter, leaving it, and then leaving yourself. 2. You don*t care how the person handels it, and you don*t care about their feelings, your selfish, and dont care about helping the situation in a healthy way.
It*s like when you are 10 years old, you write lil letters to a person you like, the whole mark yes or no....I guess we are afraid of rejection. Then there*s the letters where we break up with our first boyfriend and leave it in their locker. It*s safe, cuz we know we*ll never be around to face the emotions of that person you wrote it to. I just don*t understand. I keep thinking about that sentence...keep thinking about if it*s true. I dwell on things, and I know I am in no way perfect...but I am wondering if it*s someones job to start naming my faults without telling me to my face, how to conquer them, and so on.
My face is stained with tears, and my cheeks are windburnt, it stings. I am emotionally drained. After the letter, Allison and I went to eat because I hadnt eaten all day. We decided to go see a movie, so I called BAD asked if he wanted to go, and he said he would call after he was done eating, he never called. We went alone to see Mistic River. Before it even began tears were rolling down my face becuase of the disappointment I have inside and the bitterness. The movie went on, and I cried even more, seriously one of the best/saddest/real movies I have ever seen. We drove home in shock....wondering abotu the movie...just kinda made me feel more tired.
And now, here I am...wondering what I am supposed to do. I feel like walking outside in this bitter cold and freezing to death somewhere. I don*t knwo where I am sometimes, and when people find out there*s something wrong, they flow with advice and help. The thing is, it makes me feel guilty. Where do I begin telling someone my problems when usually they are the ones telling me theres. What right do I have telling them mine? I luv helping people, I luv listening to people, and doing what I can to make them feel better, but I can*t say I am always there for all of my friends, because I*m not. I am a selfish girl, I don*t always call people back, I don*t always tell the brutal truth, and sometimes, I beleive the lie, that has no truth. I just am so confused. I don*t know if I am going forward or backwards. What do you say to someone who tells you in writing you only think about yourself? How do you change that...how do you determine if it*s true? I just don*t know. I am ignoring her...and will continue till I am ready to face her and let her know exactly how I feel. Letters were not meant to be written in bitterness. They were meant to inform of emotions, love, and interest. We communicate, through talking when we have something too important for words on paper, and show ohysical affection when there are emptions that are too important for words. In a world full of confusion, and saddness, why must we have words on paper to remind us of the facts?
I want to cry, I want to curl in my bed and cry for everyone I have neglected, who I havnt always been there for, and for the people who had the courage to tell me to my face my faults. You know who you are. I will not be a coward, and i will not discharge the fact of what words are now on paper. I will forever be reminded...maybe next time a person can be reminded on paper something good, positive.