what we dont want to hear
9:07 PM | 11-18-03
Lately, things have been building up....and then something great comes along and what was bothering me so badly before doesnt seem like such a big deal. But, it really is. I have been having alot of thought and deep conversations lately. With my friends, with BAD, with my family, even with denalli! And I have come to many conclusions...but sometimes we need to hear them outloud, by someone else.
Today, I heard some things I always kinda knew, but never wanted to hear. I know it*s good for me to face reality, but at the same time, it*s hard to admit to yourself that you may have wasted your time thinking otherwise. When you have feelings for someone it*s hard to determine what that person may be thinking about you, and we pretendd, we imagine, and we sometimes trick ourselves into thinking that something is there, and really isnt. Espechially with feelings. *sigh* I feel like sh*t. I feel like I have gone beyonf my better judgement, and have gone against all my morals. I have in many ways. This person I am now, is me, but altered....and i need to change the alterations. How do you tell your heart not to break? How do you tell your heart not to luv...and how do you not care about someone who cares about you?
I wish someone would care about me as much as I cared about them, and i wish people didn*t have to go, and leave at the worst possible moment. Today he admitted he was selfish...and while I wanted to hear it so bad, and knew how badly it was true, i didnt get as much satisfaction as I thought i would hearing him say it. Why do I need to hear what I have always known?? I was thinking there would be some compfort in it, I was thinking that there would be some satisfaction, but really it makes you feel more of a dumbass, and more vulnerable. I always want what I can*t have....and I always think I know what i want, and when I get it, I realize it wasnt what I wanted at all.
Why is everyone having problems with guys lately?? I just feel like everyone around me is going through something, and I am litterally exsausted. Exsausted to even begin to think of how to help, or make better sence of the situation. I feel like theres a wall around peoples hearts sometimes...that no one can get through, its cold, dark, and i am left clueless. I keep thinking if only i was special enough, if only i meant more to him, maybe the wall would come down, and I could get through. Why is it so easy for me to break down my walls, let someone in, and impossible for others to let theres down? :(
Also, Life and Death, energy and peace
if I stopped today it was fun
even the terrible pains
that have burned me and scarred my soul it was worth it for having been allowed to walk where I walked Which is to hell on earth Heaven on earth back again,into,under,far in between, through it, in it, over and above it.
R.I.P Gia Carangi, November 18th 1986