10:50 PM | 07-21-03
When life gives you lemons, screw the lemonade. You need a real cocktail.
I should never write diary entries in the middle of that day. I think I have been writing them in the middle of the day because thats usually when I have the most spare time. Weird, I know. So, tonight, I*ve convened in my room. Dragged my laptop @ 11:47 to write my entry, because lets face it, this is when my mind wonders, this is when all the truths come out. Somewhere in the middle of falling asleep, and being awake. I went to the beachtoday. I went at 11:00 While Megan dragged herself to work. I don*t have a job. I live of my parents, mostly my dad. I*m envied by many, hated by most for that. So, I usually keep that piece of info private, for those reasons specifically. The beach was lovely. I biked there (ofcourse) with my cell, my wonderful book, and a towel, woulda brought H20 but I completely forgot. I lay there in my suit thinking and podering if I should really be showing so much skin. Am I skinny enough? My answers were quickly answered when the “Crowd” hit the beach. It was a peaceful 5 people approx. sharing the large beached area, and now, it was muttered in screaming children, anorexics, Abercrombie models, and old people. I could still here the seagulls and the crashing waves, but not as well as I did a few moments ago. I lay there reading my lovely book on my tummy and switching everyside I lay facing the sun, every chapter in my book. Pretty smart plan I thought. Evens it all out. 11-2 went fast, and 2 became 3. I was desperately eyeing up the crowd waiting for babes to plant their towels next to me. Foiled again! Girls on both sides. Bitching about their friends, who were sluts, and gossip I could care less about. Then I noticed some of Jason*s old friends. I used to party and see them a lot when I was still dating him. Its weird whenever I see his friends memeories of him seem to seep in my already muddles mind. But, I degress, and I mean that literally. I couldn’t remember any of their names for the life of me, but I knew I liked them. They sat there with me making me feel pretty good about myself. I mean hey, no other girl was surrounded by three guys with full attention as I was soaking up. HA HA…let them ponder, and gawk. (I though tto myself and the others watching my lil pow wow on the beach) We talked about old times, and how things were different now, now that were in college and all that. They briefly brought up Jason, and one of them stated and I quote “Yah, Jason has become quite an asshole nowadays” I chuckled out loud, and said “Just became”??? innocently. In some small way, it made me think, he wasn*t like that when I was with him, and he honestly wasn*t. I don*t know why, but he seemed different, even when I saw him with Misty. He didn*t look happy, ever. And I have heard in the past he never looks happy, never talks, and doesn*t really associate with anyone outside his bubble. Definitely not the same person I once knew. The day went on, and while I told myself I was going to be outta there by 3:00, I didn*t leave till 5:00. Sunburned, which is a rare occasion, I biked back and lay on the couch for the remainder of the day watching my favorite movie “An Affair To remember”.. Megan rolled in about 8 and we headed on late night errands as usual. Target and what I really dreaded, Culver*s. My one weakness. UGH…..I forgotten hoe good food really was and tasted. Everyone knows, when you don’t eat for so long, and finally do, it*s a BITCH afterwards. That thought escaped me when I was inhaling my chili cheese fries. Now I ask you, someone who is trying to lose weight, why in HELL would out bring your friend there!!!??? That*s just torture! Lil Rat, she had it planned. I came home, with my tummy feeling not so good, I wanted to puke, ut I can*t. Anorexic yes at times, bulimic is far too gross for me, in any case. Besides, I*m leaving tomorrow for Green Bay, I would have to eat in front of my mother or she would put me back into rehab thinking I have yet another eating disorder. WHICH I don*t, I just need to lose some weight, fast.
Ugh, I hang out with Dan last night, my gay friend. He is quite possibly the best friend to have at times. He has this apartment I would kill for. Nd he knows this, because I remind him everytime I step foot into it. It should really be published. Touches everywhere, things he has that would only be thought of by Ethan Ellen. Whenever I see him I can*t help but bring up the old times. When really the “old times” were only 2 years ago. My first year in college. Awwwww…a freshman, how adorably clueless I once was. I miss those days terribly. I miss when things were so simple and I was yet still so involved. I had it all, and really did, for a long time. That*s another reason I enjoy spending time with Dan a lot, he remembers everything, down to every detail, and I like those kinda people, because that’s exactly how I am. It*s comforting to know another being thinks of these memories as I do. I luv dan how he tells me all these dirty lil secrets, and how open he is with his sexuality. Not many people out there who are, and maybe it would do them a great deal of good if they did. I pretend he saves the stories for the next time we meet or the fashion questions he ponders on a daily basis. “Oh what to wear?” It makes me feel so superior when people come to me for fashion advice. I*m good at it, and I luv giving it. We sat on the porch, smoking a butt and talking about senseless things here and there. It*s one of those moments few are known to cherish, I however, am one of those few. I usually never smoke, but on this occasion, and with Dan, there always seems to be a good reason. It*s weird when I think about what my live amounts to. Sometimes I surprise myself when I think about what I have achieved so far, and then there’s times when I disappoint myself when I realize how much more I still need to accomplish. Is there ever going to be enough time, and do I really have enough energy? So many decisions. Welp, I*m off to bed. Ponder some more, hopefully fall asleep soon. Lots to do tomorrow. UGH…..peace.