mum*s always know
12:06 PM | 07-19-03
Isn*t funny how your parents always seem to know what*s going on even if you don*t tell them. I mean so suspecing clue. I*m losing weight alot because I dont want my doctor telling me they can*t do the surgery because I*m too fat. That would degrade me to an extent that would probably kill me. So, My mum calls and says she needs surgery and I need to take her to WI this tuesday. No big deal, espechially when she informs me we will be doing some shopping. So, she says "Should we even buy clothes for school now?" I mean, "Will you be the same size?" Thinking she is confused, and is thinking my boobs will be smaller, I remind her the surgery isn*t till December. SHe immediatly replies by saying "Yah I know, but you are smaller now, losing weight..." I pause and wonder how the hell she knew, I was losing weight. Number one rule, never tell your mother you are dieting. Because it opens up a slew of concern and conversations you dred getting into. It becomes the number one topic at the dinner table and every long distant phone call froma relative. Then, when you see someone that you havnt seen ina while you are immediatly judged about how much weight you really did lose, or how badly you failed. Mum*s know everything. Weird. I*ve been keeping myself busy, working out to the full extent, biking, hiking, swimming, everything. I will be down to my normal weight of 118, 117 on a good day. Then when I lose my boobs I*ll be to 110. Lovely weight.
Last night I lay awake, reading my book, and finally put it down. My bed is huge, after jason and i broke up, i slept on one side, for a long time. Now, I pretty much take up the whole thing, not because I want to, but, because I can. It*s weird, how lonely you can be when you*re sleeping. You have nothign to look forward to, nothing to wake up to. Maybe there just isnt enough room. If you have space that you are able to take up, why push something more into it? Why look for something to fill empty space when you can fill it yourself? troubles....
I finally found my banana republic pink scarf. I found it low and behold, at the bottom of my closet. It lay there, still wrapped carefully in it tissue papered pouch. I luv it, it*s so soft on my face. It made me think of winter. On a cold crisp day. Feeling its warmth against my cold cheeks. Isn*t it like a sin to think of a colder season when it*s warm and beautiful outside? Well if it isn*t, it should be.
I took denalli to the beach today, he still afraid of water, and still runs off. So while I hate chasing him in my bathing suit downt he beach, and having pervert whistle and wail at me, I still bring him along. I dunno what it is, his eyes, or the guilt I would feel if I left him behind. Sad....I roll my eyes so much when I take him, I*m suprised they*re not stuck behind my head.
Otherwise, today has been a pretty good day. Just got back from my bike ride around town. I usually go alone...just because I think about things, I clear my head, and I always smile at all the elderlly people that slowly walk by, because I know when they were my age, they probably rode faster. It*s a certain respect, and its about seeing small kids rollerblade for the first time, and seeing young father run after them. It puts a smile on my face in a world full of chaos. Welp, off to watch "You*ve Got Mail"!