what*s there to fight about?
9:59 PM | 06-21-03
There was a time in my life where I could predict the rest of my life. Who I would marry, where I would live, and so on. As you know, those days have completly disapeared. I have a wall around me that I fear is going to take alot for it to fall down. I used to listen to every luv song on the radio and pretend that song was written for me. Now I disagree to anyone who tells me luv can actually work out. Because in truth, it sometimes doesn*t. You have this dream and it*s all laid out, like a map, and you become so used to it, that when it*s gone, you feel lost. I know it*s silly, I know I should just moveon and listen to what people tell me, Get over it, and pretend like you*ve never been hurt. But in truth, I have been, bitterly. It*s like a rollercoaster, you ride it and are scared to deatha nd swear you*ll never ride it again, but you*re friends oush and push you to go on it one more time, and you do, and wonder why the hell you did a second time. I just don*t want to make the same mistake twice. Thinking that luv can actually work out for the best, and I can actually be happy and not be waiting for something to self distruct. It*s complicated I know, and I know I*m a pain in the ass sometimes because I can really be a bitch a somethimes. I just, I dunno. Why this hurts so bad, and why I am taking it all so hard. I can*t believe the person I have become and how much I*ve changed. I used to cry at movies and actually think those kinds of things actually happened. It*s like all the fairytales, and all the magic in everything has been revealed to me in a cruel way, and now that I know the truth, I can*t let myself beleive in anything or anyone ever again. Why I am so critical? Why can*t I bounce back like everyone else? I try not to be hopeless and I try not to think that whats happened in the past has changed my outlook on people, but really, it has. Summer is dragging on, this is quite possible the worst summer ever, well not as bad as last, ofcourse. I don*t understand this. SomedaysI*m fine, somedays I cry myself to sleep wondering why, and what I am doing? I try and smile, and try not to let people know how my heart is breaking. Wondering how I am going to get through the next day, wondering when something is going to some along and change my life for the better. For once. And maybe, not go, like everything in my life seems to do. It feels like the world turns on you sometimes, and the people you once knew change. The people you once could count on aren*t around, and the places and things that were once so familar, just aren*t there anymore. Your world falls apart, and you have to wonder how you are going to go on, and walk away. I know this whole thing is stupid, and I shouldn*t be thinking all this crap. It*s crazy and stupid and if anyone I knew read this they would wonder why the hell I still care. It*s hard to explain to people, I*m not a quitter. I care about people, and I just can*t walk away from something I really loved and beleived in. I would have done everything to make it work, and I would have been a brave, if it wasnt working. I wouldnt have broke someones heart so badly to making them think that they meant nothing. I swear every 10:17 that rolls around gets me thinking. The memories flow and most of them are good, which gets me to the next. I wonder why it all fell apart with so many good memories. Someday I think I really will get over this, and be able to go through a day and know that even though it didn*t work out, I came out a better person. They deserve eachother. He was lucky to have me, and for what he has now, I sincerely hope, he is thankful and is everyday reminded somehow what he gave up.