3:40 PM | 06-17-03
This past couple of weeks I have discovered alto about myself. I*ve realized that it does indeed reach 80 degrees here in the summer, not like autralia when it*s 80 degrees in the winter! AND, that there is no song on the radio or out there that sings about a relationship thats been over for almost a year. There*s songs who sing about missing him after 3 months, a day, and even 5 months. But for me, almost it being a year, I gotta say its over. I mean there are few things in this world that are more painful than seeing someone you love more than anything walk away from you, seeing distance being the only thing you have in common, but it happens to the best of us. And being a bigger person in it all takes alot of time and effort. I have given up the chase. I know I am never going to be with him again. There are enough reasons to realize and persuade me to know, he is not good enough for me. He cheated on me, which means he will do it again. Time heals all wounds....but scars from the wounds never leave. I have a scar, but I am no longer suffering. I wanna enjoy the summer. I am going to pick myself up and walk tall and always know, I came out the situation a better person. I am a better person without him around. He didn*t stand by me, he didn*t believe in me, and didn*t luv me. Took me a long time to realize, he will not be the last person I luv. And I am happy to say I am perfectly okay with that. I want someone to luv me, do be crazy, to do something out of the ordinary just because they want to, because it makes them feel good, and because its who they are. Living in a fantasy is all bullsh*t, and once you realize that, you*re all set. You gotta see the truth, guys are all the same, they know where they*ve been, and they rarely go back. Took me a while to realize that, and maybe someday i will be able to forgive those who have deeply scarred me. I havn*t yet, but I have forgotten them, and they are no longer my whole life. Because I am sick of making others my whole life. People are aart of my life and I care for them deeply, but theres only so much skin I can bare to the world, so that it may or may not be damaged. i8m happy, and I*m happy of who I am right now, I think I have made alot of good choices, and even though it has taken me a long time to be a happy person, that*s okay. It*s okay to cry, it*s okay to take a long time to get over someone. It*s okay to remember his smell of clean laundry and vanilla, and to break down remembering of the past and all of our happy memories. I think about him still, and remember those happy times we had, and knowing that he will never have those memories with someone else somehow gives me a little satisfaction. Because someday he will relaize what means the most in a person, and what he lost and what he will never find in them as he once did in me. If that makes any sence. It*s hard to make sence of things, but you move on, and sometimes you just gotta be okay with that. *smilez*
In other news: Megs and I went for a walk yesterday with the dogs, ran into some of her friends, one pointed to me and said "I don*t know you" I replied "I*m sorry to hear that" and smiled.