8:34 AM | 06-12-03
I think alot at night. Alot before I go to be. I lay awake thinking, thinking about my problems, others probs, life, anything and everything. On June 6th, a sorority sisters of mine died tragically. I*m not gonna say how, but I am going to say it has given me no closure about the situation. The day I found out, the weather predicted it all, from the moment I woke up it was pouring rain, cold, and the fog was as thick as I had ever seen it. It rained all day. Megan, along with some of my other sorority sisters went to her wake, and she looked like an angel. I didn*t cry, but I could feel my eyes glassy. I watched other weep and talk about "old times" with Kristie. In all her pictures she looked so happy and so full of life and now at 24 with a finace' who had to be flown in from Kuwait for his fuinace's funeral was now, sleeping. It seems like such a waste to me. Megan and i went together, driving back I told asked her, why is it, when we go to these kinds of things someone, usually always a stranger, tells us something having to do with "how important life really is" "How we should always take it seriously" "how fast it can all slip away" blah blah blah. I asked Megan, if we are reminded how precious life is by going to a funeral and seeing what can happen if we don*t take life seriously, why do we continue to do stupid things. I mean, I*ve driven drunk plenty of times, I*ve gone cliff jumping, did some crazy sh*t. But I*m alive. Should I be? Or is it true, everyone just has their time, and no matter when it is, or what you*re doing, or even what the cause of death may be, you will die. I don*t understand alot of it. Yesterday I went nuts. Everything hit, I woke up to go get gas, and my bank card was declined because it was outdated as of June 9th and the stupid bank forgot to send me a new card. And this particular gas station didnt except checks. Sooooo....I basically did a legal drive-off and went in search for money to pay for the gas. Whixh was a struggle. Knowing you have a grand in the bank that you cant touch or get in any way can drive anyone nuts. Meanwhile searching for lose change, I lost my keys, I found them, in my car, with the doors locked. SOOOO....called the police, got my keys out, went to walmart to return a 10 dollar hose nozel and got 10 bucks to pay for the gas. So, at this point I was crying calling my mum telling her I was comming home, How?? Well not like I coulda made it with 10 bucks in gas, but I was gonna try. Things are better now, I didn*t go home, and the gas is paid for, however, I still dont have my bank card. Oh well...ASAP is what they told me. I have checks so...as much as I HATE writing checks....takes to much time....I will have to, to get by. This week has been weird, confusing, and stressfull. The weather is nice today, Kristie is being burried. It*s weird. I can*t tell you how many times I have wanted to die. `But for the stupidest reasons, when life got just a lil too hard, when I had exams, when I had a bad break-up with a boy, when I got into a fight with my parents, it*s just so stupid. Seeing, Kristie*s sisters crying hyterically asking why her sister, a nurse isn*t sround anymore to help others, her mother asking gawd why her baby girl at 24 is dead, and seeing her older brother repeadedly yelling at her coffin to wake up! wake up! I could never do such a thing, seeing my brother do things to just get me back, for one second, for a moment. I wish it upon no one. It woul dbe easier to understand if everyone had "their time" to go to a better place at 99 years of age. It would be easier to know accidents just didnt happen, and it would be even better, if senceless acts just didn*t exsist. Kristie didn*t get a chance to live her life, I am grateful I still have mine, I know will still have the choise, to do stupid things, and I*m not saying I will always make the right choice, because lets face it, we don*t have an answer book to life. It*s hard, and we learn through making mistakes, some of the most important lessons we learn are through mistakes. But trusting your heart and your intuition gives you a better chance of making the right choices.
R.I.P. Kristie.....*MUAH* Luv you hun!