what might of been
10:48 PM | 05-31-03
I miss him when something really good happens, because he was the one I wanted to share it with. I miss him when somethings troubling me, becasue he was the one who understood me so well. I miss him when I laugh or cry, because I know that he*s the one that makes my laughter grow, and my tears disappear. I miss him all the time, but I miss him the most when I lay awake at night, and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with eachother for those were some of the best and most memorable times of my life. I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken- and I*d rather remember as it was at its bestthan mend it and seethe broken places as love as I lived.
This crap that goes through my head at night drags me so far down. I*m so sick and tired of realizing more and more how things change, and things I depend on my life slowly, and eventually slip away. Everyting I was so sure of is just so far away now. The friends I have made throughout my life have in so many ways betrayed me and have foudn ways to hurt me in ways I could not even imagine. I wonder sometimes what it would be like, to just leave. Not look back and just leave. I just feel like I*m treading water and there isnt anyone there ever to help out.
I keep wondering what if i would have made different decisions in my life would things be better? Would they be different? I remember last year at this time, how different it all was. Basically the comlplete opposite and now I am on this road to destruction. Nothing ever goes right, and the fact that I will never know how it might of been. I miss alot of the people in my life I have lost. And knowing I will never have them back, kills me. I just want to go back, to where things were so simple. The summer after I graduated was seriously one od the best times of my life. Now, I*m beginning to forget when I have had a time like I did then. I can try not to think about it, but staying up all these nights, I just can*t. In my life I have made a list of the hardest things I have had to get through, and overcome. It*s at a standstill, because I have yet to over come this obstacle in my life of feeling completly empty inside. Sometimes I gotta wonder, who plans your life out, and who throws the curves in the road. These curves and obstacles are keeping me from so much, and it*s so easy to just say "don*t let it get you" and my mum telling me "someday they*ll get theirs" You know, I*m just not seeing this sh*t happening anytime soon. It*s so easy to let the words roll of your tounge then to actually act upon them. Time heals all wounds, whoever said this, doesnt know the value of time and how long it actually takes to grow a new heart. I*m trying to hard for something I knwo isnt there, and I just can*t accept it! I*m alone, and I have the world, and those who are not alone reminding me everyday.