5:36 p.m. | Sunday, May. 20, 2001
I can carry this so far then something must give away, cuz searching a lifetime for nothing wouldn*t seem fair.
Havn*t writtn in while, guess nothing has really happened, maybe I*m just lazy. Denalli (my puppy) is snoring on my lap right now, looks so peacefull.
I went to see Ludacris last night with April. I can*t say much for the concert. it was screed up before it started. Out of 2000 seats, two were taken three rows down from me by my ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend. They came down from Ferris to see the concert and party. I can*t even tell you what it felt like. actually I think I can. The biggest blow to the stomach imaginable. Almost as bad as when I found out after two years he was cheating on me with her. Everytime I see him it kills me, and forces me intot he wrong direction. I kept glancing over at them. While everyone was standing up screaming and waving their hands, they were sitting. I kept watching to see if they looked happier then jason and I were. I doubted myself, and tried to act like I was having fun. I wasn*t. and you could tell. I don*t know why it hurts so much. Why can*t I let go? There*s always this feeling I am doing something wrong, or that something isnt right, and I can*t help myself from wondering if maybe it*s him. Not knowing what would have been is the hardest thing to overcome. I know that now. I*ve been pretty proud of myself lately, I am doing alot for other people. I am thinking about others people*s feelings and their problems before mine, and by doing this, it is actually helping me out. Keeping me busy that*s for sure. The stress level is up, but what college studetn isnt? I don*t know what I want right now. I don*t know what I need for things to be right again. It*s so confusing. you know, I hate to even say it, but 5 days from now would have been our three year anniversary. it*s funny how those days will come and go, like our birthdays and we know that the other is thinking about us on that day. I better go....