7:23 p.m. | 2002-11-28
It*s only the second day of vacation and enough has happened that I already want to go home. Dad bought me a new car yesterday. 2001 Ford Explorer Sport. One of my dream cars, everyone already knows I was an H2 (Hummer) more than anything,but I have always wanted a black Explorer Sport. Yah well guess what, this ones white. Anyway, today was one of those days. One of those days I miss him. I don*t have them as often as before but today was one of them. Oce in awhile I*ll hear a song
that reminds me of him. It*s been 4 months since we*ve broken up, all I*ve learned from the relationship so far,
is that all the painful times we went through espechially me, was worth it. There were many happy memories too, but still. I guess you have to believe your first love to be your last, and your last to be your first.. Fo me, Jason was both. We shared secrets and laughs, rainy nights, and sunny days.Though we experienced many storms together, we taught eachother somevaluable lessons about life and love. I remember being
able to look at myself through his eyes was one of the greatest feelings
ever, but I guess there comes a time when feelings start to fade and the memories become bittersweet. A time
where all that you can do is hope that somehow he will realize what a difference he made inyour life and how he comtributed to the person
you'vebecome. I can*t ignore the feelings that once were, but I can however let go, and remember. My heart still aches, and while I wish I could just move on, I can't. Not yet atleast. Last night was Chris's 21st. We all went to the bar, I was the only one underage. Sucked, but I managed to have fun *Smilez* Got home last night pretty late, then mom, as always woke me up at 9AM to begin our thanksgiving dinner. Alone. I miss jason the most when holidays come around, or when specialy events come up. It hurts to know that if jay and I were stil ltogether I know exactky what we'd be doing and where he would be. It kills me to know he is with someone else. Someone who he chose to be with over me. Getting cheated on doesn't sting for seconds. It doesn't burn for days, it like an open wound that only hurts when you move wrong or salt or bitterness touches it. My wound is deep, and it will take a long while for it to heal. It's not only internal, but it's outside too. Not many can see it, many don't care. And that's okay. Becasue I can heal on my own, just takes some time. Today, among other things, I went with my mom to develop some pictures from school. I looked at them first to be cautious. There was one picture I saw with annette, me, and allison. Me, had a cigerette in my hand. For some reason I didn't take it out of the pile. I let her see it. And though my mom has seen me in pictures smoking before, drinking, and yes, even smoke pot, she has just blown it off. I'm not a bad kid, I never got into that stuff like alot of my friends have. Yes, I;ve tried it, and smoking, well, I've beben smoking since I started drinking. Which was 13. I smoke when I;m bored, driving long distances and when I'm drinking, That's the truth. My mom pretty much didnt beleive me and is not happy. Ofcourse my mom finds out the proog 6 years later and cant bare the truth. I know it's a bad thing to do, and there is no way I have any intentions of smoking in my later years but for now, its just a phase. I feel bad....I feel bad I stick my head out the window like a dog whenever mymom smokes in my car. It's not becasue I'm jealous of her being able to smoke in the open, its becasue I really dont like the smell. I don't really know what it is. I'm not trying to make excuses, its just that I've been surrounded by it, boyfriends, friends, everyone. UGH....Ricky wants to go to Tricky's tonight. Lake linden party. Good gawd...when I go to lake linden I have this feeling to cling. I want to cling on to anyone who will let me becasue I fear I will let jason see me alone. I hate being alone, and what i hate even more, is being incredibly insecure around someone who isnt and alone. How am I ever going to be able to face him. How can I, how can you be strong by yourself when a person has hurt you that bad. Things like this are going to give me an alser. I'm 20. Ugh...I wish I had a manual on life. Things I'm supposed to look out for, things I should know, things I could rely on in "just in case" situations. For anyone eho is reading this, don't think i'm a retard or seriously fuhked up. This is inside my head, and if you havn't closed this window yet, then it just might be that I am have way sane, or like you. lata....