less than a month
1:35 p.m. | 2001-07-23
In less than a monoth...a lot yet, is about to change. Drastic things. Yesterday, I decided I need to get out of this town. It's just too much of me and I feel I am getting almost to big for it. I need something bigger so that i can feel small again and that I can learn from. I learn alot from people and things that are older and have been awhile a lot longer than I have. Things and places, people I havn't always known and seen my whole life. I don't know if you understand what I am saying but I will try and explain. i went to a party Saturday night and made the decision I was not going to drink. It's a personal choice I often make because I really am not a big alcoholic. Anyway Jason decided to get two barrels and things were going well. It was at a field on one of Jason's friends property. Around 1:30 AM I was talking to a group of people when a truck came flying up the road and stopped almost a foot from the fire. Lights were flashing and people ran into the woods thinking it was the police. I stood there because well I was tired and had no reason to run. Suddenly, this guy who looked to be normal, was shooting off round with his gun shooting the barrels and shooting everywhere. LB (labatts) was raining out of the barrels. All I could do was get into jasons truck and get everyone in and drive. I have never been more humiliated and disturbed than that night. i know I live in a small ass town, with no clubs, barely any bars, not relaly great parties, but i litterally felt like I was back in time and living on "Lassie" or some stupid show when adults thought guns could control everything. After that I realized its time to make some decisions. Jason is leaving in less than a month and it is litterally time passing before the day comes when he'll kiss me goodbye and I*ll be alone. I've decided that, that is not going to happen. I will not be left beghind and remembered only as some girl who never went anywhere from high school. I know there's something inside of me, there's got to be...something that can do great things. I just hope I am going to get the chance to let it all out. i*m going to NMU. Orientation is the day Jason would be leaving. So, other than Jason saying goodbye to me, I will be leaving him. I feel that Jason is an absolute wonderful person who I will miss dearly, and even thoguht my heart will break leaving him as I knew it would, I have to yet again, let him go and find out what he wants. As do I. Similar to my relationship with Jared I think I need to remember what my mom has always reminded me. "If it's meant to be, it'll be....you have your whole life to see what happens" I think I thought that I was going to have all the answers in one year. But really, I htink there's many surprises yet to come my way. If Jason decides he loves me and wants me still in college than I will make the choice later on if I should transfer to FSU. As of right now though....I want him to enjoy college and decide for himself. I have time...and so does he. Things are changing...and in the decisions that I make everyday are effecting my every move. I just hope some of my decisions are the right ones because it would be ashame to throw away everything that I love so much. Welp I better get goin. *Hugz*
Am-
XOXOXO