now I*m thinking
11:00 a.m. | 2001-06-20
I was at work the other day and Angela (gurl I work with) and I were looking at pictures from Chicago. Most, are all of Jason and I, and some are from when Jared was here visiting. Angela then said "Amy I think you are one of the luckiest to have had such great guys in your life" After that I just kinda smiled and felt all warm. Angela and I talked alot that day about what the hell I am going to do after Jason leaves for college and I stay behind in this god forsaken town. Jason and I never talk about it. We never talk about what it will be like when he leaves. Will we still be together? I just don't know, and when I htink baout yet another long distant relationship it makes me sick and uncompfortable. having a long distant relationship is one of the hardest htings i have ever had to go through and my friends know that in that kind of situation I am litterally torn apart. But then I have to think if Jason actually wants a relationship far far away what will my answer be?? Right now, to be honest...it would be no. My heart drops admitting that to myself but its true and what I feel. Jared was worth it...but if i had to to jared*s and mine relationship all over again...I wouldn't. I would have waited. jared is a great guy....one that I know will make anyone happy, but I htink I could have waited the happiness that he shared with me. The heartache afterwards really did hurt me. And as far as Jason goes...he is an absolute sweetheart, one who I will miss more than anything. He has stuck by me all the way. I feel like I have met two of the greatest guys...just like Angela said, but then I think to myself I wish it all could have been later. I still want to grow up, I still want to go out with the jerks and I still want more heartaches over guys. I know this will sound stupid but heartbreaks and dating and the lessons I learn from them make my relationships afterwards that much better. I just am very confused and I have this lump in my tummy that is waiting to my vomited up. When Jason leaves i don't know if I*ll be ready to love again. Hell...I don't even know if i love Jason...I know its there but its not uncovered. i*m deffinetely falling though. yah, seems like the more I open to love, the more I feel, and the more I see what I have to lose, I have to remember I hafta keep
opening to love more and more despite the fear of pain and loss, for greater love is always going to be there. It's like that song "seasons always change"
There's goodness and there's pain and the heart goes round again, and for now it never ends. And so you take another day/because the tenderness it breaks us I and we learn to love that way.
Now, jason and I are havong so much fun and after the seasons change he'll be gone. everyone knows, everyone says it. My heart is waiting to break but for the time being i am going to enjoy the days I have with him. I guess if later he is still there and wants to be with me...well we*ll have time to figure it all out. *Sigh*
*LYRICS to Seasons always change*
You're a vision all undone
You are the best kind of dreadful
I've ever been a part of
We're having so much fun
There are some angels in the snow dear
And in the summer we will know dear
Seasons always change
Everybody knows that everybody says that And the sun shines through the rain
And the Wind makes us afraid don't give because we learn to love that way
You're a vision on the run
You are a change in the direction
When we are making some connections
We're having so much fun
And the angels watch the mystery
Of everyday you and me
I trust you know that I love you
Soon we will play when the cool rolls off the day There's goodness and there's
pain
And the heart goes round again
And for now it never ends
And so you take another day
Because the tenderness it breaks us
And we learn to love that way
Can we learn to love through our mistakes
Can we take our visions all the way
Is there fear that things will always change
Let it go let it go