no more tears
14:48:43 | 2001-03-17
I woke up at 9:30 this morning and just laid in my bed. I am so crazy right now....maybe i could get some sleep if I could sort out this crap. I finally broke down and called him...his mom answered and by her voice I can already get a feeling that i have been replaced. I can't even explain this pain.....I*m sick because of it. I'm sick over him and what has happened. I am so god damn stubborn. I don't even want to talk about it. I don't care who's fault it was....if it was mine...then okay....if it was his...then okay...and if it was us...then I would be greatful. People make mistakes and not knowing any of these answers is tearing me apart. I hate not knowing, I hate wondering. Ricky called last night bombed outta his mind....he wanted me to go out with him and the boys and i just couldn't. He keeps telling me to just call him....then Todd called this morning and I told him everything. Todd read me the news paper, made fun of my St. Patrick's Day cookies, and then just told me to call him. I asked my mom and she said something that I can only cry about. She said If it's worth it to him to lose you and your friendship over something like this, then I really don't want you with him anyway. He doesn't deserve you. I love my mom for saying that, it's not true...but i lvoer her for saying it. maybe I have screwed things up so bad that it can't be fixed. Maybe....It sux I lost 7 or 8 months to my shit. I just wanna die right now...I want to just crawl in my bed and die. Every song on the radio reminds me of something....every word, every sentence, every picture, and every smile. This just sux so bad...not even knowing. He's probably out having the time of his life with some other gurl and not even thinking about me. I told him a long time ago that in this relationship, I guarenteed that one or maybe both of us will want to get out, but always know that I will always love you still. He probably doesn't remember that. How the hell can you forget something like that.....tell me...becuz i really want to know. You don't just not call, or e-mail, or return calls. Espechially to someone who loves you. Maybe i am taking this too hard...but then again maybe I'm not. Before...I mean before all this happened between him and I....I had no idea what I wanted....but my life made sence. Now i know exactly what i want and my life doesn't make any sence at all. And that's what kills me. Something like this has to say that to me. I'm losing it...I know i am. I cry so much at night....for the past four days i cry myself to sleep....it's like if I only knew that I wasn't the only one hurting. I wish he would cry a little.....and die like i am now inside. That would almost make me feel better. I feel like i gave the effort to calling but not recieving anything back is bad. It's like he doesn't even bloody care....not at all. And now I do....I want it back....i want the phone call I gave to him back.....I want everything back...the e-mails, the smiles, and the thoughts....gawd i dunno.....maye he's my mysery.....maybe....but if he is...it would be time well spent.......maybe I*ll learn...maybe i won't. I just wish he would pretend to show more pain. gawd.... i*m gonna go drive somewhere......somewhere far....where I can just be. I hope he doesn't read this.......