12:58:08 | 2001-03-05
I don*t even want to get into it but if i don't type what is going on right now I will without a doubt explode. Last night, I went out with Ricky (one of my good guy buds) and went driving around after werk. I dropped him off at 8 o'clock and went home to watch "Bring it on" It was an alright movie...I probably will not be seeing it again. Anyway, jared called and we talked and talked, bitched and bitched...and in the end at 1 or 2 AM...it was over...I listened to "everything" by Lifehouse...and cried and cried...i was wrapped up in a blanket in a chair afraid to walk on the flooe because of a incident that occured before...yes it had something to do with me screaming and killing a spider. Anyway, yah...jared and I are no longer. I cried...he cried...hell it was a sucky night. I guess we aren't really "not together" but we are taking some time, and instead of yelling and making it into a sobby episode, by the end of the night we had one of the best conversations ever. We laughed and quized eachother about eachoters history. He'd ask me who was his first kiss, where was he born...stuff like that...I'd ask him what is my all time favorite movie, whats my favorite color. Honestly, I never felt more happier. I love the kid more than anyhting and knowing he may not call me tonight is sad...but i*m glad we are strong enough people to actually give eavhother this time to get things straight. Now, after this monring i wish more than anyhting to talk to him....I need him now....which brings up another story....I was driving like normal, picking up Nicole for school everymorning at 7:30 has been a ritual. I got her like always and we went to McDonalds for a Shamrock shake and Capiccino. After that I decided to drive around a bit before making my way to school....driving 30MPH....slippery....and having the music as loud as I was singing away to "Angel" by Shaggy....after that...something happened.....something I never expected...I was driving along and saw that a red trunk had pulled out of a driveway on the right side of the road...his truck was out in the middle of the room horizontally, he was blocking the left lane, and had stopped for a few seconds so I figured he was waiting for me to go in my lane and pass him. So, I continued...Nicole and I singing along and as I looked over I saw the red truck's bright white lights on the back of his truck comming towards me. I yelled and screamed that we were going to crash....then it hit...I closed my eyes and whimpered as I was smashed by the truck...I opened my eyes to see the blue air flashing so fast I couldn't even tell what was happening....I could hear the busting glass and feel it on my face. I closed my eyes again and then it stopped. I opened my eyes and looked to see a house. I saw cars stopping and finally Nicole asked if i was okay. It seemed like the world was silent for hours....I took a breath and started picking the glass from my hair and face. I didn't want to move because i was afraid i*d cut myself more. I just sat there......I got out after someone had come to see if we weer okay. I found out later we had spun around a few times and hit another car after we were hit. That's how fast it all happened. I*m sore now...just sore...a couple cuts and bruises...and some left over glass still falling from my hair are all that's left from my first, and hopefully last accident. My car is pretty much totalled. The door is off, windows are shattered, and the other side of the car is worse. After everything that has happened all I want to do is talk to someone. I want to talk to Jared...i want him to ask if I*m okay. I know I am...I'm just shook up a bit. After the accident and after my car was towed away I sat on the snow bank with nicole while she had a cigerette. She felt she needed one so......the snow fell on my face and stung and my hand is sore from griping to the steering wheel so hard. I told my mom and all she could do is yell at me...I know she was scared. My mom gets incredibly bitchy when she gets scared. I guess i do too sometimes. Whenever I*m afraid or think I*m about to lose something I react. I react in a way I can't always explain. Today, all of today has been hard....much more harder than I had ever dreamed. I have no boyfriend, no car, and now, no one to talk to. It hurts...it hurts alot...if someone were to ask me if I'd ever think of me being this way I'd say no....now, I have to wonder....how much more could happen.....and when will i give up. I don't know if jared will ever know what happened today...maybe someday....maybe he'll realize how mxuh i really wished we were talking now. I dunno.....This has been a really long day.....it began at 2 AM...and it will hopefully end soon. I*m going to take a shower now...breath and just let the water run down on me for as long as the hot water will run for.