Yer killin me smalls!
21:26:59 | 2000-08-12
I*m not quite sure when or why I became this way but well it is something that I am forced to live and cope with. I have lately, been aboslutly reched. Not sure about the spelling on that one but for now it*ll do. I have been horrible to people. I have....I constantly just do things just to get into trouble...I sometimes dig myself into such deep holes I really get it in the end but not often. I*ll doanything to get that feeling where yo have to be devious and cunning to make yerself look good in the end. It is all so confusing. Yesterday while werking, these 4 guys came into werk. Keri, Lisa, Amy, and Nickol all went squeeling in the back talking about how hot they were...me? i personally thought they looked like lil backtreet wannabees. Keri was buggin at me to go ask them where they were from becuz the way they were dressed there was no way they were from around here. I said no and went on werking...I noticed a couple smiles being flashed at me but ya know....they*re guys just lookin for peice. After they got done eating (not that I was scoping out the situation) I noticed them whispering, and then they came up to me and asked what I was doing. We talked for a bit and they asked for my number....I gave it to them without like tinking about Jared...I knew Jared would blow a nut and be real pissed....but i did it anyway, cept...I gave them my cell phone number...it was like I didn*t wanna go to too far but far enough. I dunno, do I want people to be mad at me? So I want to hurt Jared? I dunno....its all good now...My lil backstreet boys and I ended up going to a killer party and we all had a good time...nothing happened ofcourse but it damn well could of. Surprisingly enough I was real forward about NOT doing anything with anyone. Gawd...I just don*t know anymore...Jared thinks I don*t wanna talk to him anymore...he constantly accuses me of beibg sick of him....honestly....i*m not...i*m just really sick of myself...and if I don*t have the drama and the constant firmness from the guy I get bored and reckless so I play these games...where I almost need to get yelled at. I love it...it makes me feel cared for more than a hug...more than a I Love You at times. Taht sounds so sick.....I need help....I do....how can I do this to innocent people! Even I am smart enough to recognize that this isn*t normal...I need to get away....it doesn*t matter what I say...i just neeed to get away from people at times where if anyone talks to me I hate them....I*m weird and terribly confusing, so I htink this is a good time for me to stop.