seriously fuhk-dup (sometimes)
20:22:27 | 2000-08-08
Honestly, i have no idea who will be reading this, and i don't really care. chances are none of it will make sense, i just need somewhere to ramble. if you are in fact reading this, it is probably because i gave you the passwerd, so you are probably a friend, in which case i am sorry i made you do this, feel free to stop reading at any time and get very angry at me for implying that you ought to read it.
If i am sitting in my car, about to turn left, and i seriously consider turning left into hords of traffic, have i contemplated suicide? What if i am sitting in my car and i wonder what it would feel like to drive very very quikly into a street light? and where does wanting to see your own blood fall? how about smashing your head into a wall? does anyone know how much it realy hurts? at least you would know you were capable of feeling pain.
So maybe i have been thinking a bit too much. i think the stress of a new school year coming has really gotton to me,the fact that I am going to be a senior and i will be leaving people who I have known for longer than anyone. These are the people i grew up with, playing hockey on those cold winter daze, playing marbles and getting stuck in lockers. These were the confusing times that we were our happiest. Along with dissapointments, scary movies, and nausia. I'm paranoid. i don't want to do anything alone, and i have actually within the last few days been able to convice myself that if i can't see it, it isn't there. Including things i have seen before, but are no longer in my direct line of vision. I won't believe it unless i see it. Consequently, there are a million things that could be there that i simply can't see based on my direct line of vision. i cannot possibly see everything, and therefore anything could be behind me and i wouldn't even know it. I have felt all these things before, and they got bad. i wake up at night sweating, like i used to. i refuse to sleep without a full comforter wrapped around me, however. i don't like being anywhere by myself, in fear that i could turn around and nothing, no one, would be there any more. everything i love could just dissapear into some sort of oblivion, leaving me alone and very scared. So i have all this winding around in my head tonight and i realize i am in fact driving around. i flip out, yell at myself constantly for not paying close enough attention, and then all of a sudden its....i wonder which would take more damage, that pole or my car.....