Don*t pretend to understand
20:31:24 | 2000-08-09
I waited so long for a love so true, so I can go and give it all back to you....
I*m listening to Sugar by Tonic, One of those songs you know? i dunno, there is soemthing about it. I really ought to be asleep, but there would be something wrong about me going to sleep, i don't know what, and i don't know why i think so, but i am not comfortable going to sleep yet. my house gets hot at night. its yucky. I*ve been thinking alot lately....about things. To sum htings up, well... I guess it*s kinda like my hair, last year my hair got to my waist and one day i decided i didn't want it anymore and all of a sudden it was hitting my ears. spontaneous change. bursts of apathy, or empathy, depending on how you look at it. deciding not to be scared. decided to let it go. deciding to take it back. i have been online for four hours and fifty-one minutes. The sun is coming up. i'm not tired. right now, more than anything, i want to talk to Jared. but hes probably asleep, so i won't. the problem with staying up late with no one to talk to is that you start thinking. Sometimes its good, but other times its not. You challenge yourself. accuse yourself of being someone you don't want to be. doubt who you are. doubt where you are going and why. stare off into space without thinking anything. its a weird
feeling, and definatly one that can take advantage of you. i used to be depressed, use to let the feeling encompass me, scare me to the point of extreme paranoia, depression, panic attacks. its hard not to. i know now that going to bed will make it worse, i have nothing to preoccupy my mind. anymore, but it still feels like a threat. Sometimes i just wonder. i used to write poetry about it, but then i let people read it. they said it was good, said they knew how i felt, but it was obvious they didn't. They think in their heads that I am total freak and need therapy...but there I go again assuming thes ethoughts and what other people think so I guess i am no bedder than any of them.
Some people offer to be there, you know? they say they will do everything they can to help, but you know most of them can't. you know there are only a few people in the world who have that about them, that honest belief that it will all be ok. the hardest is when even they can't do it. when you get so afraid of everything you clench your fists hard in order to save the skin inside your hands from whatever it is. you know people who are like you because you see the wet hands and nail marks. theres this feeling in your throat that won't go away. you can't swallow it, you can't allow it to escape upward. You can't hear anything anyone says. There are things in front of your open eyes that you have to watch. they dart around like they are missing something important every second. you have to follow them, you have to watch them and where they go. you don't want to scream. Everyone always thinks you want to scream but you don't. you want to leave. You don't know what you want to leave or why but you have to get out of there. fast. you're lost, you're gone, you can swear you aren't there, aren't tangible, you are somewhere else, in some other form. you cry, but you don't sniffle, you gasp for air you are convinced is no longer there, and if it was it wouldn't matter because it isn't yours and you can't have it. you wonder where you are. You can have people right there around you and you won't believe it. They scare you too, but if they left you would be even more scared. You know they don't understand, you know they can't help, you know they aren't really there. In
order to convince yourself you are there you have this weird
need to see your own blood. Needles, pins, anything that will draw blood you would use if you could, but you can't move. Only shake, tremble, forget. take it. Sometimes I convince myself there isn't a soul in the world who can help. I only have these kinda feeling once in aehile so what would be the point to complain. I sometimes have those falling dreams, jared and I talk about it sometimes but i never tell all. You fall and fall and fall, but unlike the dreams that are famous, you feel yourself hit. Jared says if that happens supposedly you die...hmmmm....when it happens to me, I know i*m gone. I watch no one come to my funeral, I watch my ashes sit on a meaningless shelf for years, I watch as no one cares. I hate myself for not making a difference, I hate mylsef for succombing to it. I hate myself for losing. What did i do? Michelle and I walked acroos the bridge last night, on out way back home we stood over the edge and just stared down...i looked at the water...and for an instant, for a short second...i wanted to to jump, I could litterally feel the air pushing on my chest and that feeling you feel when you jump off something, that incredible feeling where you have no control. It only lasted for a moment but in that moment I felt like i could do it...i could lift myself over and jump. I always wonder if this is normal and if anyone knows, yes I know people know but do they realize. I wonder, who could make it all go away with their hug. I can still feel a hug, still hear a compliment. No one ever knows how much a compliment could mean, no one ever could have pictured how much a hug could stick around. I never knew how good goosebumps could feel, never knew it was possible for them to make me feel good. You stop wondering if it is worth it. you start smiling, joking around, flirting, talking. You start believing dreams can be good. You stop falling, quit thinking about your funeral. Its almost completely light outside, and writing this pulled me out of that feeling. i know most of the people, if not all, who are reading this, think I*m screwed up.....no worries (now maybe you know why i use that phrase so often) smiles. i have been writing for an hour. thank you for reading, you don't have to understand. i don't have to
understand. no worries. Cuz i*m okay....