My baby is leavin me
23:06:30 | 2000-05-30
Todd is leaving tomorrow....and I cannot even tell you hoe my heart is breaking. The weekend has been just well i don't even have a werds for it. Friday went well....it was Senior blast and I had a really good time...but had an unfortunate accident. I ripped my FAVORITE abercrombie jeans...digger...nice hole in the ass..and they're outta print! Dammit...anywya Saturday was Todd's last day, I walked into TB pretty good...happy and talked to todd as much as I could. We laughed and smiled...know ing our time was almost up...Laura (manager) said at 2:00 "Todd for the last time you can go home now" At that very moment I felt my heart crumble into peices. I don't know what came over me...but somewhere between me walking into TB for the first time and todd touching my hand for the last time I fell in love. I fell in love with how todd smiled...how he laughed at me, how he thought I was the most adorable person in the werld when I bit my lower lip whener I got nervous...between all this I relaied how much I would miss my "baby todd" no more walking into werk ans wondering if he was there, no more driving my friends nuts with me talking about him and how wonderful he was. Suddenly, I realized that I was crying, I ran into the back of the store while todd left, we never said goodbye, and thinking about this even now kills me. I am crying for what I did or should've done but didn't. I am so hurt and so incomplete. I miss todd...I miss everything about him. Todd left that day and I cried all through werk...laura cried right along with me and after about a half hour...the phone rang at werk...In my mind I knew who it was...and i was right...it was todd asking to talk to me and see if I was alright...I ran into the bathroom and cried...he called several times after that and I never did get the chance to talk to my baby todd. I left werk crying and then went home. Home...waiting to lie on my bed and cry for hours...none of this happened....mom was sick...my mom was yelling at me telling me I had to take her to the hospital. I did...and with everything built up inside of me from Todd earlier that day I took mom to the emergency room. They ran tests...IV's, X-rays...as i sat in the emergency room for 6 1/2 hours...it was like watching paint dry. My mom was in a hospital bed off getting tests done...while I was hunched over in the uncompfortable chair leaning over to look at the floor. Being so confused and lost I cried....I cried for todd, I cried for my mom, and I cried for me and everyone elkse that needed a tear of help and saddness. I rubbed my eyes and thru the early mornings (2:30 AM) in the emergency room I fell asleep not knowing how. My mom beibg able to walk (barely) got me up and I took her home. The doctors still dont know...they think it is cancer or a severe infection in her stomach...my mom thinks its cancer in her stomach. I ask god everyday why...why all at once...and then I wonder why me...and then after that...I htink because if it wasn't me it would be someone else. And for some reason, I don't want it to be somsone else. Everyone has their moments....their moments of glory, moments of achievement, and the moments of saddness and dispair come...to everyone...everyone is faced with ordeals that they wish could be granted upon someone else...but situations like these have a purpose...to make me stronger...to make me a bedder person. I don't know...but hopefully I will find out. Today, Tuesday....Todd wrote me his last e-mail from the UP...he will be e-mailin me from Washington but still...he told me he would miss me tons (yes tons) and said that he understood why I couldn't say goodbye...he said if he had to face me and say goodbye he would have cried too...saying goodbye to anyone is hard, saying goodbye to someone you love is harder..and even if I love todd as a friend it is still hard...maybe he will be abck in August but still, it is a goodbye under any circumstances, and i will miss him...everyhting about him. I know I'll be okay in time and maybe later on things will make more sence. Thats all for now thanx....