reality
18:14:24 | 2000-03-16
It happened...at werk.....my thoughts, feelings, and the reality of it all came out today to B.O.B AKA as Todd...my long known crush by many of you. He told me how he felt about me and I did the same. We had like this deep discussion that felt like it was 10 seconds long but I knew it was longer becuz of my face feeling so cold it burned. We stood there out in the cold....and finally he said "Amy, I was so close to asking you out, but relaized it would never werk becuz of my religon" And there it was....I feel lost and gone. it's like I knew it akll along but having him say it directly to me meant so much more. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I really liked him....I really did. I talked to his friends, they told me how he likes me....I talked to my friends so much it made them sick....I like todd.....he's so cute....I wrote in my notebook, I kept pics of him, I watched every move. I for some reason thought I'd be different...i did. I thought I was going to be the one who actually did it. Got past the religon thing. My mom said on the ride home "why can't you just like a guy who yoiu can actually have" that really got to me....and now I;m bawling uncontrollably.....I feel like I lost....I didn't do, or say enough. To make matters worse..I dunno how I will ever be able to face him again.....I dont know if it is even possible to flirt or look at him the same way ever again. I guess that is what hurts the most. The friendship I had with him is now like deformed. I lied him....alot....and he told me he liked me alot...but whats keeping us apart is something as dumb/ but incredibly important all at the same time....something like what church he goes to. How can this be?? It is like Romeo and Juliet....it is. Religon keeping two people apart....its god damn brain washing. And I hate it...I hate this feeling of losing and feeling like I can do absolutly nothing to make myself feel bedder or make the problem bedder. This is wrong...and I want to scream it.....I want to fight it....but I can't....God is keeping us apart....is that right??? I am so confused...and sad.....and I cannot stop crying....so this is it.....its out....and I am clueless...of what will happen next....I can only hope and pray that maybe someday this will all make sence....I've tried to act and be strong.....for me...for my frinds....and to try to be a good person....doing all this has proven nothign to me about anything. I just lost what was I thought, the most easiest thing...the most uncomplicated thing. It was liking todd...not for his body...for his butt...or what he wore. I liked tood becuz he was a great person...and he really was sincere. I thoguht I had it good and it was like this secret no one knew.....but really it was like a complete dissapointment. Like a journey with no end or reward. Like I said I feel lost and without hope....but at the same time hopeless...and I dunno.....I must go....later